Astramillie’s Weblog

Just a girl who’s bipolar trying to figure out her world

Watch what you wish for;or the world’s biggest anxiety attack May 27, 2008

Well, I’ve kept quiet on this blog for a while.  I’ve been absorbing my health news.  The cm vs mm michigas was solved.  I have both.  There is a 6 cm fibroid on the outside of my uterus and 5 mm on the inside.  The gyno told me that he would remove the one on the inside since that was the one that was causing the wacky menstration.  The huge thing growing on the outside we’d just “watch” as the only way to get rid of it would be a hystorectomy.  Ummm…ok.

Now, I put on a lot of weight in the last year and a half.  Both my p-doc and GP decided that after 8 years the seroquel was causing it.  I never really bought it, but sure enough when I ramped down I lost 10 lbs pretty quickly.  But, when I gain weight I usually gain it first in my belly.  When I lose it, I lose it there first.  Not this time.  And, its not fleshy, its hard, as if I were pregnant (I’ve been waiting for someone to ask when I’m due.  I’ve seen that happen to friends, so cringeworthy).  I’m sure that’s the fibroid. 

But, that’s not the reason for my decision, its just a piece of the puzzle.

Anyway – as I’m talking to the gyno I ask “if you remove the fibroid in the uterus, what are the odds I’ll be back in your office within say, a year?”   He answered “Very good odds.”  So, I explained to him that it was found that I had some genetic anomaly that made it impossible for me to have children, and therefore had no need for my uterus.  He said “so I’m hearing that you would rather have a hysterectomy sooner than later?”  I said yes if you think I’ll have to have one later.  He told me he didn’t want to use the word “have” to.

Here is the self-fulfilling prophesy – Ever since I got the no children sentence handed down, I’ve joked that I didn’t think it was fair to have to still have periods and I might as well have a hysterectomy.  Well, guess what.

I’ve been very clinical about it.  I’ve researched the hell out of the topic.  Doctor sites, discussion boards, books from the library, and very clinical articles.  I know what I’m getting into, I’m not doing this lightly.  I was having surgery anyway.  And, would eventually have this one.  I could discuss it calmly, was  little scared, but the academic in me was in control.

Then came Saturday.

I woke up with an elephant on my chest.  I know what an anxiety attack feels like.  I know agoraphobia like I know my best friends (actually better).  It came time to walk to my parents for ironically my klonopin and Xanax, and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t just leave my house, I couldn’t leave my bedroom.  What I was scared of in my living room I can’t explain, but it scared the hell out of me.  Luckily my mother was kind enough to bring my pills to me.  They barely dented the anxiety.  I spent the entire day in bed kind of playing on the computer reminding myself to breathe.  I was too far along for any type of relaxation exercise.  It was terrifying, I haven’t felt that way since I moved here almost 2 years ago.  Everything just hit at once I guess.

I’m better now, still have low lying anxiety.  Can walk to my parents, trying the grocery store this morning (maybe).  Does anyone know if they make either a xanx drip I can pull around with me or a klonopin patch?


When a Dr.’s appointment goes wrong May 20, 2008

Filed under: female health — astramillie @ 9:32 am
Tags: , , ,

Ok,  so my nickname used to be “the right now girl.”  Waiting is not my strong point.  Waiting for yesterday’s gyno appt. was torture and now I have to wait until Thursday for another appointment.  I feel like throwing something.  My temper has almost kicked in like it used to pre-medication.

Here’s how it went.  Dr. came in.  Did a quick exam.  Told me I had a polyp or a fibroid on my uterine lining.  Ok, already knew that.  He told me what they were going to do was put me out and remove it.  Just as I was going to start asking my questions, he starts reading the ultrasound results and gets all agitated. He suddenly says, “wait a second, this has to be a typo, if it isn’t we’ll have to do a different procedure. This says the growth is 5 cm. It can’t be that big, they must have meant mm.”  And he leaves to call the radiology dept.  Saying to sit still maybe we’d have an answer then.  We didn’t get one.  We didn’t get any answers.

I had all of my questions on my ubiquitous yellow pad and was never given a chance to ask a single one.  The nurse came back and said the radiologist had to be tracked down and I was to call on THURSDAY! to make another appointment.  Just an appointment not the procedure an appointment. As I said before, I don’t wait well.

When I got home I called my GP.  She said she was perplexed, the report said cm. in the report in several places making the chances of a typo minimal.  Then she told me to calm down, the marathon period had ended thus the emergency had ended. She couldn’t really answer my questions about the procedure since she didn’t know where he was going with it, as she is not a gynecologist (covering her ass, but I understand that).  So, she made me feel a little better but didn’t solve the waiting problem.

Anyway, I have to come up with some projects.  Unfortunately, school is on break.  But, with my psych meds working I can read now and write.  So, I think I’ll work on a research project.  I have a pile of books on the blacklist, and a great book on the WPA and Roosevelt.  Both are topics that interest me.  I’m also a little obsessed right now on the huge numbers of books with titles like “1001facts you should know about world history,” or “What you should have learned in school.”  Those books that have factoids we are supposed to know.  Why are there so many of these?  They must sell, or they wouldn’t keep publishing them.  Are we that under-educated that we need help?  Are we that attracted to facts fed to us in bite sized pieces?

Whoa went way off topic, sorry.

Have something you want to know more about?  Let me know, I want to research things.  I need to.  Its one of my favorite ways to kill time.  I might start posting my research articles on my google website again.  This maybe the impetus to get off my ass and build up my portfolio.


The Right Now Girl.


Scared and semi-alone May 19, 2008

Filed under: female health,Mental Health,mental illness — astramillie @ 8:30 am
Tags: , ,

So, today I see the gyno.  My mother is going with me, which is great.  I need the support and a second pair of ears.  Its the kind of appointment where a lot of information is going to be thrown at you and I don’t know about you but there will be a slight buzzing in my ears from fright.  So its good to have someone else there to pick up info that I miss.

Because of my lifestyle, in the year and a half that I’ve lived here I’ve made 2 friends.  Neither of which are very close friends, they are older women and have grown children of their own, I’m like a novelty to them.  I have a couple of old friends from my previous life, but they aren’t the ones I would pick to be the ones who I’d still have if given the choice.  Things had gotten so bad I alienated friends I had had for 10 years or more.  I’ve made overtures towards a couple with no luck.  Yes, I have my parents.  But, I can’t pick up the phone and just chat with them.  And I’m not allowed to discuss my sister on this blog.  Enough said.  I tried to call two of the old friends yesterday and both were busy and I pretty much got blown off.  One called back and wanted to call while she was in transit somewhere, but I was at the store.  The other, was, well with her who the hell knows.

So, here it is 1 in the morning and I realize how alone I am.  How am I supposed to meet people.  People scare me.  I have three or so places that I’m not afraid to go to.  Otherwise I’m petrified to leave the house.  Why else would I go to school online?  I used to be so outgoing, made friends easily.  I had anxious periods, those periods became longer and longer until they were everyday.  Even on the amount of klonopin that I am, this fear takes over.  I’ve tried all the things you are supposed to.  Maybe I’m lazy and its easier to just live this way than do the work.  But, at this point what am I supposed to do?  Go to a cafe walk up to someone at a table and say “Hi, I’m Samantha, will you be my friend?”

Anyway, its too late right now.  I’m scared and lonely right now.  I need someone to talk to about today’s appointment and the biopsy now.  I need to talk on the phone, have someone make me laugh and forget about this underlying panic for a few minutes.  But, for a variety of reasons (which I have to honestly say I still don’t completely understand) I don’t have those type of friends anymore.  And, I miss them terribly.