Astramillie’s Weblog

Just a girl who’s bipolar trying to figure out her world

Love Hate relationship with seroquel April 12, 2009

I’ve been reading a lot of negative blogs about Seroquel. Most I agree with to a point. Astrazeneca is a large pharm co. that worries primarily with the bottom line. Seroquel has some pretty evil side effects. I’ve put on weight and worse I’m now pre-diabetic. The diabetes link has been known about for years withfew warnings given to patients. Bad.
Here is why I stayed on it – it helped my mania better than any other med hands down. I only take it at night so the sedation meant I wasn’t taking sleeping pills.
Yes, I will be going off it if my diet change hasn’t affected my diabetic status. But, I wanted to give another perspective.


An appointment and meds for patience? May 22, 2008

Filed under: female health,mental illness — astramillie @ 9:00 am
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OK , We all know Samantha does not wait well.  Yesterday I knew I only had one more day to wait until they said I could call.  I did start to think about my psych meds.  They are working so well right now why not meds that give you more patience?  Or make time go faster?  Or am I going down the rabbit hole?  Drink this.
 So, I’ve tried to keep busy.  It was my mother who made me call early.  The nurse was a  condescending bitch.  She told me yesterday “He’s out of the office until tomorrow, that’s only one day to wait, its not a big deal to wait that long. Just call first thing in the morning.”  Whore.  
Then at like 2 I get a call from their scheduler to set up a date for the procedure!?  She knows nothing about the whole thing.  But…She can’t get me in until JULY 1st!  I will literally be crawling the walls waiting for over a month.  There isn’t a Xanax big enough, I may really need the benzo drip I joke with my p-doc about.
I tell her my story from the 18 day period to the doctor not passing on the ultrasound report, so she puts me on the waiting list for June 17.  She answered a few of my questions – the ones she is allowed to.   If he goes in and the fibroid is exceptionally large, he’ll wake me up and tell me of a change of plans.  It won’t be a situation where I wake up without a uterus. 
So that’s where things are.  You have to love small town doctors.

Ahhh, meds that work! May 17, 2008

Filed under: Mental Health,mental illness — astramillie @ 9:54 am
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So, let’s get off the uterus subject.  After two months of utter hell, its over!  Ramping down my blessed seroquel (why oh why did it have to stop helping like it used to?) and starting the higher dosages of Abilify and Topomax was awful.  I was climb the walls, spend money like water, scrub the walls with an sos pad manic.  I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t write, couldn’t even read a book.  And, I’m a two book a week reader.  Somehow I got through my semester with an A.  When I had a paper I just chunked it into little pieces.  Luckily, I was fascinated by the topic enough to get through it, and had a fantastic professor who understood my predicament.

I can read again!  Finish a complete thought, and look I’m writing!  It might not be great, but its something.  I see things clearly now and am looking for a money manager who can take my finances out of my mother’s hands and make it harder for me to get my hands on my funds in case I have a manic spending phase again.  Not a conservator, just a money manager/accountant type.  I found a group of lawyers who laid out a plan, but said they were too expensive for me and pledged to help me find someone.

Now I can deal with some family crap.  Can’t go into it here.  I made a promise to my family I wouldn’t post anything about them.  This leaves definite wholes in this blog, but a promise is a promise.

I’m working on post of a few parts about my manic trip from Sacramento to Maine.  Look for it!


Hot flashes during a heatwave

Filed under: female health,heat wave — astramillie @ 9:20 am
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For most of my life I lived in the San Juaquin Valley of California, whether it was Central California or Sacramento.  That meant 103 degree summers.  I bitched about them, but they were pretty much all I knew.  Then I moved here, where a hot day was 80 degrees.  Last summer I had a horrible time adjusting, I wanted my parents to drive me somewhere just for 1/2 hour where it was hot.  They never did.  I almost went to a tanning bed, something I have a moral problem with (don’t try and figure it out).

Now, the last few days we’ve been in the middle of one of these heat waves, averaging about 77 degrees and my apt temp has been holding just below 80, I know big deal.  For me that should be nothing.  But, I’ve been on a huge amount of estrogen, meaning I’ve kinda been going through menopause and the wonderful world of hot flashes.  I am so glad I hadn’t thrown out all of my tank tops.  Its meant tepid baths, lots of ice water, and well, whining.  Luckily, I lower my dosage today so maybe the side effects will subside.

At least it has given me something else to think about other than what ever is growing inside my uterus.


Finally over on day 19 May 16, 2008

So, the annoying period part of this ordeal is over.  May you never have an 18 day menses.  And for my male readers may your female loved ones never have one.  So, what’s left is this low level feeling of fright.  This is one of those times that my computers should be taken away from me and my research skills are a curse.  I know all about fibroids, hysterectomies, and the word that won’t cross my lips or fingers as I type.

At the same time this has been happening my mania has been slowing down praise who ever.  Except I haven’t been able to concentrate.  Haven’t read a book in a month, which is a big deal.  I usually read at least a book a week, even during school.  I can’t exist without something casual to read. But, I was finding myself reading the same sentence over and over again.  It was a hard semester in a sense.  What saved me was a fantastic professor and a subject that fascinated me.  I didn’t think it would – History of Mexico.  I was able to create a time-line of the creation of the country and develop an understanding of how they became what they are today.  I saw where there were mistakes made.  I’m obviously not an expert, but I think I have a basic understanding of how a country so geographically close to ours developed so differently from ours.  I won’t bore you with my elucidation.  I’d get started and wouldn’t stop.  Anyway, when it came to my papers I just took it slowly and kind of put them in little chunks that I could concentrate on.  And it worked!  I got an A!

So, the new med cocktail works.  Yay!  This blip of estrogen is not fun, but its only for a few weeks.  Unless I need a … not going to even say it.  Forget I was going to mention it.

I’ve been looking for some online work, most are scams.  So frustrating I could scream.  And looking for a money manager as I want to take it out of my mom’s hands.  Its getting to be too hard on her and on our relationship.  Found great lawyers, but charge too much, they are helping me find someone else.  More stress.

So, yesterday did something I haven’t done something I haven’t done in a year or more.  Took a seroquel nap in the middle of the day.  Just popped 300 mg.  and slept through the afternoon.  Just wanted to shut off my mind.  Felt wonderful, but won’t do it again.  Scout’s honor.

Head may explode waiting for gyno appt on monday.  Send good thoughts!


Road to Destruction pt. 4 April 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — astramillie @ 12:45 pm
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            So, what else did I do with my time?  I let miscreants come “visit” me.  I had so few friends now I was over appreciative of anyone who would come over.  The people who I met from my apartment complex were not the sort of people I should have let in. 


Here is an example.  In good times I am considered messy.  When ill, you have to make a path through the junk on the floor to make it to the next room.  I learned (I always knew people did this, but just learned that it applied to me) I could pay someone to clean for me.  I paid one of my neighbors to clean my apartment for me. She did a very good job.  Then I realized a bottle of Codeine (almost full) I had from the car accident was missing as well as a necklace.  I didn’t confront her, I don’t do confrontation.


It was disgusting, but I kept telling myself “well at least they’re my friends.”  Friends, who came to my apartment to do drug deals, steal what they could quickly grab while I was out of the room and who new when my checks came in and could ask to borrow money.  They would run errands for me, since I couldn’t leave the house.  Were always there to clean (of course I was paying them).  Eventually I cut back on their numbers.  But, until the day I moved, I never knew what I still owned.


            So, I’m sure you’re wondering A. why was Larry letting this happen? B. What was happening with my meds and the doctor?  Well, Larry didn’t really know.  Everyone came over during the day; I made sure they were all gone by the time he was going to be there.  Ah, the Dr., we tried a few more meds without much luck.  In order to go see him it was a production because I had to find someone to take me.  The anxiety attacks were so awful; it had gotten to the point where I was getting the band around my chest feeling.  Eventually, I quit going.  I was doing what I swore I wouldn’t do; not just to myself but my old Dr. I was off my meds.


And now the fun begins.   Watch out EBay! (actually a reoccurring theme in my life!)


What’s a manic girl to do? April 22, 2008

I’ve been going through some  med changes that made me super manic.  What does that mean? What does Samantha do when she’s on the upswing? Oh, some very interesting things.

I’m working on my Master’s Degree through Texas Christian University. They have their Liberal Art’s program online, which is really the only way I can go to school. Otherwise about midway, I’ll run into an anxiety attack and stop going to class. Online I don’t have to be around people; I can hide in front of the monitor and make my comments without the fear of conflict face to face. I only take one class a semester just in case I get sick and that is all I can handle or have to get a medical withdraw, which I’ve done once my first semester (when I was off my meds). This semester’s class is wonderful, but not a lot of day to day work. It consists of class discussions, 4 brief essays, and two term papers all spread out over the semesters. So, I’ll have a free week and then a project. So, how do I fill that time? Ah ha! Good question – a list:

Making an SAT Word Dictionary
Also Baby’s First Dictionary
Essay on Popular Culture and its Effects on Historical Events (beginning to shape what I want to work on for my PhD)
Researching the Blacklist and McCarthyism
Organizing office
For the first time in my life cleaning house EVERY day
Decorating my dining room (how is coming up)
The topper – hacking into my joint account with my mother, setting up a PayPal account and spending about $1200 on EBAY in 1 ½ months.
Yes, I said $1200, and that wasn’t on a few big ticket items.

It started with DVD’s; most of my collection was stolen by cretins I let into my house in Sacramento. Then I discovered people sold ITUNES cards and Target gift cards. Since I only get $20 a week allowance (I know this sounds insane, but mom really supplies me with everything I need, so I don’t really need cash) this is a dream come true. I did buy a down comforter, and a little laptop so I could test myself and try and go to the café that has wifi and actually leave the house also I have it in my house so I could get away from my desk sometimes. I then started buying art prints to decorate the dining room. I decided I wanted to wear dresses this summer buying those was fun. I bought bath and beauty items. There were also the things I don’t remember buying. Or the time I was trying to buy a DVD player head cleaner and somehow bought a DVD player.

I did come to consciousness and realize what I had done, and started working my ass off to get grants. I did, and just in time. I went to my parent’s house one morning and there in black and white in front of my dad was the dreaded bank statement. We talked about it, they tried to understand the Pavlovian response to the ping that meant someone had outbid me and I had to act quickly. That I knew what I was doing, but at the same time I didn’t. We worked out a new money plan. I have a new small account (my “pin” money as my grandmother would call it) that I’ll put money in with a little job I have and a small allowance. I took the joint account off PayPal, threw away and erased anything with the account number on it. I’m repaying everything with the loan, plus my normal aid is coming next month.

In the meantime the mania is slowing down, and anyway, there’s nothing left to buy!