So, today I see the gyno. My mother is going with me, which is great. I need the support and a second pair of ears. Its the kind of appointment where a lot of information is going to be thrown at you and I don’t know about you but there will be a slight buzzing in my ears from fright. So its good to have someone else there to pick up info that I miss.
Because of my lifestyle, in the year and a half that I’ve lived here I’ve made 2 friends. Neither of which are very close friends, they are older women and have grown children of their own, I’m like a novelty to them. I have a couple of old friends from my previous life, but they aren’t the ones I would pick to be the ones who I’d still have if given the choice. Things had gotten so bad I alienated friends I had had for 10 years or more. I’ve made overtures towards a couple with no luck. Yes, I have my parents. But, I can’t pick up the phone and just chat with them. And I’m not allowed to discuss my sister on this blog. Enough said. I tried to call two of the old friends yesterday and both were busy and I pretty much got blown off. One called back and wanted to call while she was in transit somewhere, but I was at the store. The other, was, well with her who the hell knows.
So, here it is 1 in the morning and I realize how alone I am. How am I supposed to meet people. People scare me. I have three or so places that I’m not afraid to go to. Otherwise I’m petrified to leave the house. Why else would I go to school online? I used to be so outgoing, made friends easily. I had anxious periods, those periods became longer and longer until they were everyday. Even on the amount of klonopin that I am, this fear takes over. I’ve tried all the things you are supposed to. Maybe I’m lazy and its easier to just live this way than do the work. But, at this point what am I supposed to do? Go to a cafe walk up to someone at a table and say “Hi, I’m Samantha, will you be my friend?”
Anyway, its too late right now. I’m scared and lonely right now. I need someone to talk to about today’s appointment and the biopsy now. I need to talk on the phone, have someone make me laugh and forget about this underlying panic for a few minutes. But, for a variety of reasons (which I have to honestly say I still don’t completely understand) I don’t have those type of friends anymore. And, I miss them terribly.