An appointment and meds for patience? May 22, 2008
Doctors schmoctors May 21, 2008
So, I wait. And wait. Yesterday my mother had me call the office and ask if they found out about the mm vs cm thing. And guess what? The Dr. wasn’t in that day. AHA! That’s why I have to wait until tomorrow, he isn’t going to be in! So, I have to sit and wonder if there is a little spot growing on my uterine lining or a big piece of broccoli.
I just called again this morning, but got the answering service because of an office emergency. Of course its only Wednesday and I wouldn’t have received an answer, it was just to help me feel like I was doing something proactive.
Thank god my psych meds are stabilized! If this was a mere two weeks ago I’d be hysterical. As it is I’m just worried and obsessed. I’ve been finding little projects to do. Nothing great or anything to speak of. House is basically clean. I’ve been cleaning like crazy, but as soon as I vacuum the two cats start play fighting and things start flying all over the room. Plus, one of them (the 6 month old kitten I rescued) has found out how to get to the toilet paper and that gets strewn all over the room (must find new hiding place). If its not that its the dog’s raw hides. She seems to only like to chew one corner then hides it. So I give her a new one thinking she’s done with the last one. Then I walk into the living room right after cleaning it and there are like 6 of them all over the floor. All with one corner chewed on. Thanks Millie.
At least they keep me busy.
When a Dr.’s appointment goes wrong May 20, 2008
Ok, so my nickname used to be “the right now girl.” Waiting is not my strong point. Waiting for yesterday’s gyno appt. was torture and now I have to wait until Thursday for another appointment. I feel like throwing something. My temper has almost kicked in like it used to pre-medication.
Here’s how it went. Dr. came in. Did a quick exam. Told me I had a polyp or a fibroid on my uterine lining. Ok, already knew that. He told me what they were going to do was put me out and remove it. Just as I was going to start asking my questions, he starts reading the ultrasound results and gets all agitated. He suddenly says, “wait a second, this has to be a typo, if it isn’t we’ll have to do a different procedure. This says the growth is 5 cm. It can’t be that big, they must have meant mm.” And he leaves to call the radiology dept. Saying to sit still maybe we’d have an answer then. We didn’t get one. We didn’t get any answers.
I had all of my questions on my ubiquitous yellow pad and was never given a chance to ask a single one. The nurse came back and said the radiologist had to be tracked down and I was to call on THURSDAY! to make another appointment. Just an appointment not the procedure an appointment. As I said before, I don’t wait well.
When I got home I called my GP. She said she was perplexed, the report said cm. in the report in several places making the chances of a typo minimal. Then she told me to calm down, the marathon period had ended thus the emergency had ended. She couldn’t really answer my questions about the procedure since she didn’t know where he was going with it, as she is not a gynecologist (covering her ass, but I understand that). So, she made me feel a little better but didn’t solve the waiting problem.
Anyway, I have to come up with some projects. Unfortunately, school is on break. But, with my psych meds working I can read now and write. So, I think I’ll work on a research project. I have a pile of books on the blacklist, and a great book on the WPA and Roosevelt. Both are topics that interest me. I’m also a little obsessed right now on the huge numbers of books with titles like “1001facts you should know about world history,” or “What you should have learned in school.” Those books that have factoids we are supposed to know. Why are there so many of these? They must sell, or they wouldn’t keep publishing them. Are we that under-educated that we need help? Are we that attracted to facts fed to us in bite sized pieces?
Whoa went way off topic, sorry.
Have something you want to know more about? Let me know, I want to research things. I need to. Its one of my favorite ways to kill time. I might start posting my research articles on my google website again. This maybe the impetus to get off my ass and build up my portfolio.
The Right Now Girl.
Scared and semi-alone May 19, 2008
So, today I see the gyno. My mother is going with me, which is great. I need the support and a second pair of ears. Its the kind of appointment where a lot of information is going to be thrown at you and I don’t know about you but there will be a slight buzzing in my ears from fright. So its good to have someone else there to pick up info that I miss.
Because of my lifestyle, in the year and a half that I’ve lived here I’ve made 2 friends. Neither of which are very close friends, they are older women and have grown children of their own, I’m like a novelty to them. I have a couple of old friends from my previous life, but they aren’t the ones I would pick to be the ones who I’d still have if given the choice. Things had gotten so bad I alienated friends I had had for 10 years or more. I’ve made overtures towards a couple with no luck. Yes, I have my parents. But, I can’t pick up the phone and just chat with them. And I’m not allowed to discuss my sister on this blog. Enough said. I tried to call two of the old friends yesterday and both were busy and I pretty much got blown off. One called back and wanted to call while she was in transit somewhere, but I was at the store. The other, was, well with her who the hell knows.
So, here it is 1 in the morning and I realize how alone I am. How am I supposed to meet people. People scare me. I have three or so places that I’m not afraid to go to. Otherwise I’m petrified to leave the house. Why else would I go to school online? I used to be so outgoing, made friends easily. I had anxious periods, those periods became longer and longer until they were everyday. Even on the amount of klonopin that I am, this fear takes over. I’ve tried all the things you are supposed to. Maybe I’m lazy and its easier to just live this way than do the work. But, at this point what am I supposed to do? Go to a cafe walk up to someone at a table and say “Hi, I’m Samantha, will you be my friend?”
Anyway, its too late right now. I’m scared and lonely right now. I need someone to talk to about today’s appointment and the biopsy now. I need to talk on the phone, have someone make me laugh and forget about this underlying panic for a few minutes. But, for a variety of reasons (which I have to honestly say I still don’t completely understand) I don’t have those type of friends anymore. And, I miss them terribly.
Mania, money, and me May 18, 2008
Where did it go wrong? So, so many places. Now, this isn’t a therapy session where I’m going to place all of the blame on my mother. But, I learned quite a few habits from her, or what I thought were her habits. Let’s start at the beginning, or at about age 13.
My problem with money has two parts. Manic spending, and bad money management. So, its illness related and situational – if you can understand the distinction. When I was a kid my dad would go on and on about how tight money was, then the next Saturday my mother would take us shopping. Here’s the catch – My mother had her own job. I didn’t put that into consideration. Next – we lived on a ranch and I was a big time 4-H’er (I’ll take a second here for you to laugh and get it out of your system) OK, so I raised cattle. I needed to be able to buy alfalfa, grain, etc. And have a place to put the money I would earn from selling a steer or what have you. So, at 13 I opened my first checking account. Not a joint account, my own. BAD IDEA. I kept getting overdrawn. I have this idea, that I guess started then that I can keep a tally in my head. Well, I can’t. Well, mom would end up giving me the money I needed to cover the overdrafts. So, their big plan to teach me responsibility actually taught me that money comes from the sky.
I still have that theory, because in the worst of times I’ve been able to figure something out. Yes, at times its been my parents bailing me out. But, more often its been something more inventive (always legal, so wipe that thought out of your head), like getting an advance on financial aid checks sent to me even though my school only gives them to people who live on campus, etc. Used to drive my ex-boyfriend crazy when all of a sudden I’d find some weird temp tutoring job right in the nick of time.
Yet, it doesn’t always work. I might find enough money to keep the lights on and to be able to eat, but I’ve had three checking accounts closed and I filed for bankruptcy about 5 years ago mainly due to pay day loans (evil things). I don’t write things down, I don’t keep receipts, paycheck stubs, tax returns, bank statements, or any of the other things you are supposed to. I have this fantasy that I can keep it all in my head. Why I still hold on to this fantasy I don’t understand after 25 years or so of this you’d think I’d learn.
When I’m manic, and if I have money, or some type of access to money, I generally head to Target, I get a cart and just walk around the store in a sort of daze and throw things into the cart. In these cases I usually can keep a tally of how much I can spend. If I realize I have too much, I’ll choose something to take out of the cart and just put it on a shelf wherever I happen to be. As I head to the register its a rush. While the cashier is ringing things up I’m crossing my fingers that I didn’t go over. I rarely do. Its almost better than sex. When they hand me those bags, I don’t know, it must be what smoking that first hit of crack must feels like. Then, when I get it all home, I crash. Hopefully, I did buy something I really needed or wanted. If I’m well enough I can do what my previous Psych doc used to tell me to do. Take things back.
Therein lay the problem with ebay. You can’t return items you win. You can try and resell them. Which I did try. But, I bought a lot of crap that no one wanted. That’s why I won a lot of stuff, no one else wanted it.
After my parents realized I had pretty much hacked into our joint account to set up paypal so I could go on ebay, they were furious (obviously) and scared for me and for themselves (I had put them in financial jeopardy). I was starting to feel better, the new meds were finally stabilizing, and realizing what I had done. With this realization I knew that I needed someone who was tougher to watch over my money. I also wanted to take it off my mother’s shoulders, it was killing her. She was angry as hell, but in deep pain because she saw how ill her daughter was. I didn’t want to inflict this on her anymore.
I’ve talked to a group of lawyers who act as conservators and money managers mainly for elderly clients, and they set up exactly what I need. I only need a money manager, I’m in no way in need of anything as serious as a conservator. They aren’t going to take my case because they are too expensive, but are going to help me find someone who I can afford – they already have a few names for me. My mother acts like she doesn’t mind doing it. But, I know once I set this up a huge weight is going to be lifted off her shoulders and our relationship is going to improve ten fold.
Ahhh, meds that work! May 17, 2008
So, let’s get off the uterus subject. After two months of utter hell, its over! Ramping down my blessed seroquel (why oh why did it have to stop helping like it used to?) and starting the higher dosages of Abilify and Topomax was awful. I was climb the walls, spend money like water, scrub the walls with an sos pad manic. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t write, couldn’t even read a book. And, I’m a two book a week reader. Somehow I got through my semester with an A. When I had a paper I just chunked it into little pieces. Luckily, I was fascinated by the topic enough to get through it, and had a fantastic professor who understood my predicament.
I can read again! Finish a complete thought, and look I’m writing! It might not be great, but its something. I see things clearly now and am looking for a money manager who can take my finances out of my mother’s hands and make it harder for me to get my hands on my funds in case I have a manic spending phase again. Not a conservator, just a money manager/accountant type. I found a group of lawyers who laid out a plan, but said they were too expensive for me and pledged to help me find someone.
Now I can deal with some family crap. Can’t go into it here. I made a promise to my family I wouldn’t post anything about them. This leaves definite wholes in this blog, but a promise is a promise.
I’m working on post of a few parts about my manic trip from Sacramento to Maine. Look for it!
For most of my life I lived in the San Juaquin Valley of California, whether it was Central California or Sacramento. That meant 103 degree summers. I bitched about them, but they were pretty much all I knew. Then I moved here, where a hot day was 80 degrees. Last summer I had a horrible time adjusting, I wanted my parents to drive me somewhere just for 1/2 hour where it was hot. They never did. I almost went to a tanning bed, something I have a moral problem with (don’t try and figure it out).
Now, the last few days we’ve been in the middle of one of these heat waves, averaging about 77 degrees and my apt temp has been holding just below 80, I know big deal. For me that should be nothing. But, I’ve been on a huge amount of estrogen, meaning I’ve kinda been going through menopause and the wonderful world of hot flashes. I am so glad I hadn’t thrown out all of my tank tops. Its meant tepid baths, lots of ice water, and well, whining. Luckily, I lower my dosage today so maybe the side effects will subside.
At least it has given me something else to think about other than what ever is growing inside my uterus.