Astramillie’s Weblog

Just a girl who’s bipolar trying to figure out her world

Love Hate relationship with seroquel April 12, 2009

I’ve been reading a lot of negative blogs about Seroquel. Most I agree with to a point. Astrazeneca is a large pharm co. that worries primarily with the bottom line. Seroquel has some pretty evil side effects. I’ve put on weight and worse I’m now pre-diabetic. The diabetes link has been known about for years withfew warnings given to patients. Bad.
Here is why I stayed on it – it helped my mania better than any other med hands down. I only take it at night so the sedation meant I wasn’t taking sleeping pills.
Yes, I will be going off it if my diet change hasn’t affected my diabetic status. But, I wanted to give another perspective.


The days of the spinster end

Filed under: Uncategorized — astramillie @ 2:53 pm

I’ve been away from my blog for a long time.  I’ve had quite a few life changes.  I’ve already given the health update, my psychiatric situation is in flux, but the biggest change is that I’ve moved in with my boyfriend.  Yikes!

At 39 its a little late in life to lear how to live with someone else when I’ve lived alone most of my adult life.  I’ve been feeling that I don’t have the tools that are necessary for a successful relationship.  I’m learning though, J. is to important to me not to.

Now, we haven’t been together for very long.  In all actuality we should have been eachother’s transitional relationships.  Both of us having each ending a relationship recently when we got together.  But, it was just right.  Why fight it?

There are times when I get so irritated  I want to leave, but it passes because I guess I love him and want this to work.  I just feel like my personal space has been trespassed upon.  Our new house is big enough to get away, and I comandeered the office for my own.

On the other hand, I love the domestication of it.  Making dinner for him.  Doing the laundry.  Weird stuff is making me…well…content.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that contentment feels so foreign its uncomfortable.  Sometimes I bait him just to get a response (not very healthy I know).  Other times it is  just the perfect thing to just sit quietly together on the couch, each of us with our laptops in a companionable silence.

No, I’ll never give him children.  But, I gave him a dog and two cats he loves.  He takes care of me when my back is in pain, I’m trying to give him a real home.  Its all a lesson in real life and I think I’m rolling with it.


Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Bad Back and anything else that can go wrong!

Filed under: Mental Health,mental illness,Uncategorized — astramillie @ 1:17 pm
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I haven’t been writing at all lately.  Horrible block.  But, I have some things to write about right now.  Where to start?

OK, I’ve been on Seroquel for about 8 years.  Started taking it before it was even approved for Bipolar.  I have even given speeches praising it.  Well, that has come back to kick me in the ass.  Last blood test showed sure enough I might be joining the Diabetes club.  My levels are only at pre-diabetes numbers right now – but that’s enough to scare me into changing my diet and talk to the P-Doc about  switching meds even though I love my Seroquel. 

How can I love something that has a track record of causing a horrible illness while fixing another?  That’s the key – it fixes me.  My mania is almost non existent when I take it regularly.  Next blood test is in May, we’ll see if my sugars have been affected by my new diet (here’s a plus – its helped me lose 10 lbs!) and if I have to go cold turkey on the Seroquel if there has been no change.  Or, G-d forbid I’ve moved into actual diabetes.

The other thing that the blood work found was “critically high” LDL Cholesterol.  So, I’mworking on a low cholesterol diet as well as an anti-diabetes diet.  Scary, but not as scary as the diabetes.  We’ll know more in May.

Now, I’m Samantha so the whining can’t stop there.  My back is killing me.  For real, not some sort of hypochondriacal (word?) twinge that I’ve blown out of proportion.  I am generally spending large portions of my day flat on my back.  My last cortisone shot didn’t work.  Its now progressed from lower back to middle and I’m getting sharp pain down my right leg and arm.  I’m having two MRIs on Wednesday so we’ll know something by the end of the week.

So there you go Samantha’s health update.  There is more to update everyone on (big stuff on the relationship front), I’ll write that in another post.


Whine, Whine, Whine October 24, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — astramillie @ 11:29 am
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OK, I’m blocked.  Unable to write anything whether its for this blog or school work.  I’m going to try to break through this with some lists and quotes I have pinned to the walls of my office.  Speaking of…if anyone came into the office not knowing me they might think it belonged to someone plotting something, or not taking their meds.

I fell in love with quotes a few months ago and compile a list each week.  I send them to my grandmother and she uses them at the retirement home she lives in for her current event time.  The best are printed out and pinned to my wall, often with a picture of the person who made the quote.  At this time I’m running out of room. 

“Clothes make the man.  Naked men have little or no influence on society.”  Mark Twain

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”  Kurt Vonnegut


Things wrong in my life (no particular order):

1.  I’m in a walking cast due to tendonitis.

2.  My mother’s back is so bad she can barely walk and they just postponed her surgery to December (the asses).

3.  I was just diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, which is basically how it started with mom, and they are already talking surgery (which I will refuse at this point regardless of the pain I’m in).

4. Problems with my isister that I’m not allowed to blog about.

5.  Had to drop one of my classes, so now I won’t graduate in May like I wanted to.

6.  Major writer’s block

7.  Trying to get rid of boyfriend, he won’t take no for an answer.


Good things?

1.  Meds working pretty well – any depression I feel is situational and can not be medicated.

2.  Getting along with parents

3.  I have made a few friends in the last 6 months

Really, that’s all.


“Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like  man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.”  Ted Morgan


Where I’ve been October 5, 2008

Filed under: Mental Health,mental illness,Uncategorized — astramillie @ 6:06 pm
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I haven’t written since before the hysterectomy.  I’ve been blocked.  The surgery went very well – the fibroid was honestly as big as a grapefruit.  Why do we always use fruit as our gauge?

I was getting fuzzy headed so the p. doc took me off Topomax.  The change is amazing, clear head, getting things done, and I have my short term memory back.  Yay!

Doing well this semester but I was reminded that I have a limited amount of RAM.  I was taking two classes and at the same time organizing Obama events.  Nothing was getting done well.  I was just spread to thin, I don’t have the capacity others have.  I can only concentrate on one big thing at a time.  Dropped one of the classes and gave up on my career as a campaign organizer.  Hopefully he wins without my daily help.

I even attempted a relationship – didn’t work.  I really am a spinster at heart.  I’m all for casual dating, but I don’t have it in me right now to put the proper work into a serious relationship.  But, that’s ok.  I have the dog, the two cats, and buddy the betta.  I also have a rat – but I’m looking for a new home for him, I can’t play with him like he deserves.  He’s going to live with a pre-teen boy, I hope. 

That’s all for now, just an update.  More to come…


Doctors schmoctors May 21, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — astramillie @ 5:03 pm

So, I wait.  And wait.  Yesterday my mother had me call the office and ask if they found out about the mm vs cm thing.  And guess what?  The Dr. wasn’t in that day.  AHA!  That’s why I have to wait until tomorrow, he isn’t going to be in!  So, I have to sit and wonder if there is a little spot growing on my uterine lining or a big piece of broccoli.

I just called again this morning, but got the answering service because of an office emergency.  Of course its only Wednesday and I wouldn’t have received an answer, it was just to help me feel like I was doing something proactive.

Thank god my psych meds are stabilized!  If this was a mere two weeks ago I’d be hysterical.  As it is I’m just worried and obsessed.  I’ve been finding little projects to do.  Nothing great or anything to speak of.  House is basically clean.  I’ve been cleaning like crazy, but as soon as I vacuum the two cats start play fighting and things start flying all over the room.  Plus, one of them (the 6 month old kitten I rescued) has found out how to get to the toilet paper and that gets strewn all over the room (must find new hiding place).  If its not that its the dog’s raw hides.  She seems to only like to chew one corner then hides it.  So I give her a new one thinking she’s done with the last one.  Then I walk into the living room right after cleaning it and there are like 6 of them all over the floor.  All with one corner chewed on.  Thanks Millie. 

At least they keep me busy.


Road to Destruction pt. 4 April 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — astramillie @ 12:45 pm
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            So, what else did I do with my time?  I let miscreants come “visit” me.  I had so few friends now I was over appreciative of anyone who would come over.  The people who I met from my apartment complex were not the sort of people I should have let in. 


Here is an example.  In good times I am considered messy.  When ill, you have to make a path through the junk on the floor to make it to the next room.  I learned (I always knew people did this, but just learned that it applied to me) I could pay someone to clean for me.  I paid one of my neighbors to clean my apartment for me. She did a very good job.  Then I realized a bottle of Codeine (almost full) I had from the car accident was missing as well as a necklace.  I didn’t confront her, I don’t do confrontation.


It was disgusting, but I kept telling myself “well at least they’re my friends.”  Friends, who came to my apartment to do drug deals, steal what they could quickly grab while I was out of the room and who new when my checks came in and could ask to borrow money.  They would run errands for me, since I couldn’t leave the house.  Were always there to clean (of course I was paying them).  Eventually I cut back on their numbers.  But, until the day I moved, I never knew what I still owned.


            So, I’m sure you’re wondering A. why was Larry letting this happen? B. What was happening with my meds and the doctor?  Well, Larry didn’t really know.  Everyone came over during the day; I made sure they were all gone by the time he was going to be there.  Ah, the Dr., we tried a few more meds without much luck.  In order to go see him it was a production because I had to find someone to take me.  The anxiety attacks were so awful; it had gotten to the point where I was getting the band around my chest feeling.  Eventually, I quit going.  I was doing what I swore I wouldn’t do; not just to myself but my old Dr. I was off my meds.


And now the fun begins.   Watch out EBay! (actually a reoccurring theme in my life!)