Astramillie’s Weblog

Just a girl who’s bipolar trying to figure out her world

Watch what you wish for;or the world’s biggest anxiety attack May 27, 2008

Well, I’ve kept quiet on this blog for a while.  I’ve been absorbing my health news.  The cm vs mm michigas was solved.  I have both.  There is a 6 cm fibroid on the outside of my uterus and 5 mm on the inside.  The gyno told me that he would remove the one on the inside since that was the one that was causing the wacky menstration.  The huge thing growing on the outside we’d just “watch” as the only way to get rid of it would be a hystorectomy.  Ummm…ok.

Now, I put on a lot of weight in the last year and a half.  Both my p-doc and GP decided that after 8 years the seroquel was causing it.  I never really bought it, but sure enough when I ramped down I lost 10 lbs pretty quickly.  But, when I gain weight I usually gain it first in my belly.  When I lose it, I lose it there first.  Not this time.  And, its not fleshy, its hard, as if I were pregnant (I’ve been waiting for someone to ask when I’m due.  I’ve seen that happen to friends, so cringeworthy).  I’m sure that’s the fibroid. 

But, that’s not the reason for my decision, its just a piece of the puzzle.

Anyway – as I’m talking to the gyno I ask “if you remove the fibroid in the uterus, what are the odds I’ll be back in your office within say, a year?”   He answered “Very good odds.”  So, I explained to him that it was found that I had some genetic anomaly that made it impossible for me to have children, and therefore had no need for my uterus.  He said “so I’m hearing that you would rather have a hysterectomy sooner than later?”  I said yes if you think I’ll have to have one later.  He told me he didn’t want to use the word “have” to.

Here is the self-fulfilling prophesy – Ever since I got the no children sentence handed down, I’ve joked that I didn’t think it was fair to have to still have periods and I might as well have a hysterectomy.  Well, guess what.

I’ve been very clinical about it.  I’ve researched the hell out of the topic.  Doctor sites, discussion boards, books from the library, and very clinical articles.  I know what I’m getting into, I’m not doing this lightly.  I was having surgery anyway.  And, would eventually have this one.  I could discuss it calmly, was  little scared, but the academic in me was in control.

Then came Saturday.

I woke up with an elephant on my chest.  I know what an anxiety attack feels like.  I know agoraphobia like I know my best friends (actually better).  It came time to walk to my parents for ironically my klonopin and Xanax, and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t just leave my house, I couldn’t leave my bedroom.  What I was scared of in my living room I can’t explain, but it scared the hell out of me.  Luckily my mother was kind enough to bring my pills to me.  They barely dented the anxiety.  I spent the entire day in bed kind of playing on the computer reminding myself to breathe.  I was too far along for any type of relaxation exercise.  It was terrifying, I haven’t felt that way since I moved here almost 2 years ago.  Everything just hit at once I guess.

I’m better now, still have low lying anxiety.  Can walk to my parents, trying the grocery store this morning (maybe).  Does anyone know if they make either a xanx drip I can pull around with me or a klonopin patch?


An appointment and meds for patience? May 22, 2008

Filed under: female health,mental illness — astramillie @ 9:00 am
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OK , We all know Samantha does not wait well.  Yesterday I knew I only had one more day to wait until they said I could call.  I did start to think about my psych meds.  They are working so well right now why not meds that give you more patience?  Or make time go faster?  Or am I going down the rabbit hole?  Drink this.
 So, I’ve tried to keep busy.  It was my mother who made me call early.  The nurse was a  condescending bitch.  She told me yesterday “He’s out of the office until tomorrow, that’s only one day to wait, its not a big deal to wait that long. Just call first thing in the morning.”  Whore.  
Then at like 2 I get a call from their scheduler to set up a date for the procedure!?  She knows nothing about the whole thing.  But…She can’t get me in until JULY 1st!  I will literally be crawling the walls waiting for over a month.  There isn’t a Xanax big enough, I may really need the benzo drip I joke with my p-doc about.
I tell her my story from the 18 day period to the doctor not passing on the ultrasound report, so she puts me on the waiting list for June 17.  She answered a few of my questions – the ones she is allowed to.   If he goes in and the fibroid is exceptionally large, he’ll wake me up and tell me of a change of plans.  It won’t be a situation where I wake up without a uterus. 
So that’s where things are.  You have to love small town doctors.

When a Dr.’s appointment goes wrong May 20, 2008

Filed under: female health — astramillie @ 9:32 am
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Ok,  so my nickname used to be “the right now girl.”  Waiting is not my strong point.  Waiting for yesterday’s gyno appt. was torture and now I have to wait until Thursday for another appointment.  I feel like throwing something.  My temper has almost kicked in like it used to pre-medication.

Here’s how it went.  Dr. came in.  Did a quick exam.  Told me I had a polyp or a fibroid on my uterine lining.  Ok, already knew that.  He told me what they were going to do was put me out and remove it.  Just as I was going to start asking my questions, he starts reading the ultrasound results and gets all agitated. He suddenly says, “wait a second, this has to be a typo, if it isn’t we’ll have to do a different procedure. This says the growth is 5 cm. It can’t be that big, they must have meant mm.”  And he leaves to call the radiology dept.  Saying to sit still maybe we’d have an answer then.  We didn’t get one.  We didn’t get any answers.

I had all of my questions on my ubiquitous yellow pad and was never given a chance to ask a single one.  The nurse came back and said the radiologist had to be tracked down and I was to call on THURSDAY! to make another appointment.  Just an appointment not the procedure an appointment. As I said before, I don’t wait well.

When I got home I called my GP.  She said she was perplexed, the report said cm. in the report in several places making the chances of a typo minimal.  Then she told me to calm down, the marathon period had ended thus the emergency had ended. She couldn’t really answer my questions about the procedure since she didn’t know where he was going with it, as she is not a gynecologist (covering her ass, but I understand that).  So, she made me feel a little better but didn’t solve the waiting problem.

Anyway, I have to come up with some projects.  Unfortunately, school is on break.  But, with my psych meds working I can read now and write.  So, I think I’ll work on a research project.  I have a pile of books on the blacklist, and a great book on the WPA and Roosevelt.  Both are topics that interest me.  I’m also a little obsessed right now on the huge numbers of books with titles like “1001facts you should know about world history,” or “What you should have learned in school.”  Those books that have factoids we are supposed to know.  Why are there so many of these?  They must sell, or they wouldn’t keep publishing them.  Are we that under-educated that we need help?  Are we that attracted to facts fed to us in bite sized pieces?

Whoa went way off topic, sorry.

Have something you want to know more about?  Let me know, I want to research things.  I need to.  Its one of my favorite ways to kill time.  I might start posting my research articles on my google website again.  This maybe the impetus to get off my ass and build up my portfolio.


The Right Now Girl.


Scared and semi-alone May 19, 2008

Filed under: female health,Mental Health,mental illness — astramillie @ 8:30 am
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So, today I see the gyno.  My mother is going with me, which is great.  I need the support and a second pair of ears.  Its the kind of appointment where a lot of information is going to be thrown at you and I don’t know about you but there will be a slight buzzing in my ears from fright.  So its good to have someone else there to pick up info that I miss.

Because of my lifestyle, in the year and a half that I’ve lived here I’ve made 2 friends.  Neither of which are very close friends, they are older women and have grown children of their own, I’m like a novelty to them.  I have a couple of old friends from my previous life, but they aren’t the ones I would pick to be the ones who I’d still have if given the choice.  Things had gotten so bad I alienated friends I had had for 10 years or more.  I’ve made overtures towards a couple with no luck.  Yes, I have my parents.  But, I can’t pick up the phone and just chat with them.  And I’m not allowed to discuss my sister on this blog.  Enough said.  I tried to call two of the old friends yesterday and both were busy and I pretty much got blown off.  One called back and wanted to call while she was in transit somewhere, but I was at the store.  The other, was, well with her who the hell knows.

So, here it is 1 in the morning and I realize how alone I am.  How am I supposed to meet people.  People scare me.  I have three or so places that I’m not afraid to go to.  Otherwise I’m petrified to leave the house.  Why else would I go to school online?  I used to be so outgoing, made friends easily.  I had anxious periods, those periods became longer and longer until they were everyday.  Even on the amount of klonopin that I am, this fear takes over.  I’ve tried all the things you are supposed to.  Maybe I’m lazy and its easier to just live this way than do the work.  But, at this point what am I supposed to do?  Go to a cafe walk up to someone at a table and say “Hi, I’m Samantha, will you be my friend?”

Anyway, its too late right now.  I’m scared and lonely right now.  I need someone to talk to about today’s appointment and the biopsy now.  I need to talk on the phone, have someone make me laugh and forget about this underlying panic for a few minutes.  But, for a variety of reasons (which I have to honestly say I still don’t completely understand) I don’t have those type of friends anymore.  And, I miss them terribly.


Hot flashes during a heatwave May 17, 2008

Filed under: female health,heat wave — astramillie @ 9:20 am
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For most of my life I lived in the San Juaquin Valley of California, whether it was Central California or Sacramento.  That meant 103 degree summers.  I bitched about them, but they were pretty much all I knew.  Then I moved here, where a hot day was 80 degrees.  Last summer I had a horrible time adjusting, I wanted my parents to drive me somewhere just for 1/2 hour where it was hot.  They never did.  I almost went to a tanning bed, something I have a moral problem with (don’t try and figure it out).

Now, the last few days we’ve been in the middle of one of these heat waves, averaging about 77 degrees and my apt temp has been holding just below 80, I know big deal.  For me that should be nothing.  But, I’ve been on a huge amount of estrogen, meaning I’ve kinda been going through menopause and the wonderful world of hot flashes.  I am so glad I hadn’t thrown out all of my tank tops.  Its meant tepid baths, lots of ice water, and well, whining.  Luckily, I lower my dosage today so maybe the side effects will subside.

At least it has given me something else to think about other than what ever is growing inside my uterus.


Finally over on day 19 May 16, 2008

So, the annoying period part of this ordeal is over.  May you never have an 18 day menses.  And for my male readers may your female loved ones never have one.  So, what’s left is this low level feeling of fright.  This is one of those times that my computers should be taken away from me and my research skills are a curse.  I know all about fibroids, hysterectomies, and the word that won’t cross my lips or fingers as I type.

At the same time this has been happening my mania has been slowing down praise who ever.  Except I haven’t been able to concentrate.  Haven’t read a book in a month, which is a big deal.  I usually read at least a book a week, even during school.  I can’t exist without something casual to read. But, I was finding myself reading the same sentence over and over again.  It was a hard semester in a sense.  What saved me was a fantastic professor and a subject that fascinated me.  I didn’t think it would – History of Mexico.  I was able to create a time-line of the creation of the country and develop an understanding of how they became what they are today.  I saw where there were mistakes made.  I’m obviously not an expert, but I think I have a basic understanding of how a country so geographically close to ours developed so differently from ours.  I won’t bore you with my elucidation.  I’d get started and wouldn’t stop.  Anyway, when it came to my papers I just took it slowly and kind of put them in little chunks that I could concentrate on.  And it worked!  I got an A!

So, the new med cocktail works.  Yay!  This blip of estrogen is not fun, but its only for a few weeks.  Unless I need a … not going to even say it.  Forget I was going to mention it.

I’ve been looking for some online work, most are scams.  So frustrating I could scream.  And looking for a money manager as I want to take it out of my mom’s hands.  Its getting to be too hard on her and on our relationship.  Found great lawyers, but charge too much, they are helping me find someone else.  More stress.

So, yesterday did something I haven’t done something I haven’t done in a year or more.  Took a seroquel nap in the middle of the day.  Just popped 300 mg.  and slept through the afternoon.  Just wanted to shut off my mind.  Felt wonderful, but won’t do it again.  Scout’s honor.

Head may explode waiting for gyno appt on monday.  Send good thoughts!


Inept doctors and a fibroid baby (note guys, mention of mensturation) May 15, 2008

Filed under: female health — astramillie @ 3:44 pm
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So, a few weeks ago my psych meds were finally stabilized.  Yay!  Then on the day my nephew was born my period started, ok big deal.  Eight days later its still going.  10 days, 12 days.  So, first step is to call pharm guy.  No, none of my meds can be causing this.

Now my cycles have been out of whack for a few years.  But, in January I went through a battery of tests.  When the sonogram and what I think is called an “inter-uterine scan” but I call the dildo test (its a dildo looking thing with flashing lights they insert and it takes pictures) results came in my Dr. was called out of town on an emergency.  I called the family clinic for the results a few times and the Dr. who was covering for her never returned the calls.  I was going to try one more time (squeaky wheel), but my family said to go by the no news is good news rule.  WRONG!!!

So here it is 4 months later, I’m in the Dr.s office because I’m on day 14 of my period and that doesn’t seem quite right and its getting a little old.  She’s looking at my records and all of a sudden I hear her curse under her breath.  Turns out she never received the results either.  I was supposed to get an MRI and a biopsy ASAP as I had a “thickening” in one sectioning of my uterine lining.  So, basically a growth, like a tumor.  That should have been looked at 4 months ago.  And its big enough that it is causing me to have the longest period in the world.  Its starting to end today (day 18), because my Dr. put me on estrogen.  Lots of it.  Which is not fun.

I go into to see new gyno on Monday.  Hopefully the hot flashes and agitation will be over by then since I won’t be taking the heavy estrogen dosages then.  I’ve been researching fibroids and uterine and menstruation problems and not even letting the word that won’t be named cross my lips.  Generally all symptoms and things I can cross off points towards a fibroid.  But, the seriousness of my symptoms may mean a hystorectomy.  I’ve decided if they have to remove it, since I can’t have children, I want the fibroid so I can put clothes and a bonnet on it, put it in a carriage and take it on walks.

So, everyone cross your fingers that I’m not the crazy lady with the fibroid baby.  Update later.