Astramillie’s Weblog

Just a girl who’s bipolar trying to figure out her world

Road to Destruction pt. 3 April 29, 2008

Filed under: Mental Health,mental illness — astramillie @ 12:42 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Another Big Mistake


            Obviously I’m improperly medicated at this time.  People with Bi Polar Illness make horrible decisions.  I made a doozy.  Larry came over one night, and I don’t know what came over him, and why I didn’t stop it.  I went to hug him good bye, he kind of pushed me towards the sofa and well, you can figure out the rest.  Presto!  I have the boyfriend I never wanted.


            A good part was I could borrow money from him and not feel as guilty because well (and this sounds insanely mercenary) I was sleeping with him.  And all of the other things he had been doing for me (car repair, fixing things around the house that I couldn’t etc.) no longer racked me with guilt.  What did make me feel guilty was that I didn’t grow to love him as everyone said I would.  I just didn’t. This went on for over a year so he’ll come into this story again.


            I had nothing to do.  I couldn’t work.  First, it would mean leaving the house.  So, I thought I’d try another MA program, an online one this time.  A few years prior I had started a MA of Library Science.  I have my AA in library science, worked in libraries in my early 20’s and cataloged in rare book stores for about 5 years.  I went in with this idealized view even though I knew most of the reality.  I had been working in the library as they took the card catalogs away (my bookstore boss and I tried very hard to come up with away to make money out those catalogs!  Recipe holders?).  I was not prepared for what I found.  My first class was computer programming.  I don’t remember the next classes I took, but I couldn’t write for them.  It was a different style that I couldn’t conquer.  Maybe it was because I had become to hate the topic.  All I wanted to do was sit at a desk with a bun in my hair and help people find the perfect book.  Yes, I knew that was a pipe dream, but I wasn’t going to get anything close to that.  I dropped out about half way through.


            I tried a MA in education through Phoenix (might as well, already was a teacher).  I lasted one semester.  First – they didn’t tell me the program was for people who need their credential as well as a MA, so it was covering things I had already done and didn’t belong in that program. Second – If I have to write one more essay on classroom management I will throw the computer through the window.


            Next, have no idea where this plan came from, I thought I could eventually get a good job in Human Resources somewhere if I got my MBA.  I went to Walden University.  I’ve never taken a business class in my life. After we were given our first assignment, I read it, read it to Larry, read it to myself again. It was like it was written in a foreign language.  Well, OK so this wasn’t for me.


            Eventually I did find a program, but that was a year away, the one I’m in now.  More about that later.



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