Now, where have my parents been through all of this? I’ve been in Sacramento; they now live in Eureka on the northern coast of California. I’ll make calls to my dad to ask woodworking questions, emailing him pictures of things I want to make. I have short calls to my mom and sister. But, they know me and they are starting to realize that something is wrong.
My birthday is November 20th, right near Thanksgiving. My parents have decided to come get me and take me to Eureka. My mom and sister come on my birthday and want to take me out to dinner. When they get there, I’ve tried my best to make my apt look nice (impossible). I tell them we need to get take out, I can’t do a restaurant. I notice many shared looks between them.
I bring the dog, leave the cat with enough food for a month not for the four days I’ll be gone. I feel so guilty for leaving him by himself; there is no one I trust to check in on him. He’ll be fine though.
During my visit I realize it is actually an intervention. They have made plans to move me to Eureka. I can still go to school, since its online I could live in a tree as long as I can get a signal. Mom is going to be my payee, take over my finances. She will pay my rent and bills for me (from my money, this is no free ride). My job is to pack up the apartment which includes getting rid of about half my stuff, and to go to the county clinic and get my meds and find out how to transfer my information to the new county.
I kept expecting to get angry. I never do. I’m relieved. This is what I wanted when I was in the hospital two years ago after the Geodon stroke. I knew I was going to get sick, but was too proud to ask my parents for help. Think of all the things I would have avoided – two black out car accidents, an evil boyfriend, pretending low lives were my friends, and leaving splatters of black paint on the kitchen floor from painting shelves that never quite stood up straight.
After they drive me back to Sacramento I start to tell everyone I’m leaving. They all pretend to care on a personal level. Yeah, right. The redecorating friend and I put my sofa and huge army surplus desk in two different alleys. I start just handing things out. I made a mistake on a couple of things, but most were things I’ve moved from place to place for 15 years and have never needed.
All the while I’m trying to keep up with the Romance class. I give up a week before it ended. I talk to the Dean and it is decided that if I get a Psychiatrists letter I can get a medical withdrawal. This brings up mom’s rule about meds. I go to the country clinic, after a week’s wait I see their Dr. I have my meds and start taking them. My brain slowly starts to come back to me. Boy, when I start seeing what I have been doing with my life comes to me; I want to crawl under my bed.
The day after Christmas my parents come with a U-haul. My dad looks at my “shop” and shakes his head. We can’t fit the workbench, but I find a friend to sell it to. I end up selling most of the bigger items in Eureka because my dad has everything, and better versions in his shop. I’ve made a beautiful Poplar coffee table with my dad, four full size bookshelves (that actually stand up straight and hold books), and a shelving system for the bathroom. But, I’ll always look back on my kitchen wood shop with a smile.
Once we find an apartment I can afford my little family settles in (the dog isn’t really supposed to be here, but the owner is 100 miles away) and I start to get used to quiet living. I love it. I’m 3 semesters from graduation with a healthy GPA. I’m writing a lot. I have plans. I have an advisor at a university with an online option who is interested in my idea for a Doctoral dissertation. I found a wonderful Psychiatrist. He listens to me, he calls me on things. But if I say something isn’t working he’ll say let’s try something else. If I say I was researching new meds and I liked what they said about this, he’ll look it up as well and give his opinion on whether or not I should try it
Its not all flowers and butterflies, but it’s a nice life.
congratulations on getting your life back together, or at least starting to. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2001, lemme tell ya, if you’re not bipolar and on bipolar meds…………they MAKE you bipolar…………
it was horrible. My life was a wreck for three years…………..turns out, I’m not bipolar, I’m autistic! And have multiple personalities (that part isn’t diagnosed, but we know we do, so that’s good enough for us. The whole world doesn’t need to know, and neither does my parents’ insurance or anything else like that. )
It took us a while for us to get our lives back together……….we had to recognize many things we were unable to face while heavily medicated………
I’m (well, it’s just me, Ivan, writing. The others aren’t) absolutely not dissing medication at all, for people who truly have the conditions they are meant for.
I’ve heard freaky things about Geodon too………one of the people I tutor, was going to be on it, but the director of the program I work for, said no. Good thing too, apparently.
come and visit our blog if you like……….
Ivan of athenivanidx
the other two are The Integral (from our love for calculus) and Athena.
Actually, the 5 years I was on Geodon were the most productive of my life. Its just a very strong medication and comes with the chance of extreme side effects. I had none until the “pretend stroke.” To tell you the truth, If I was told I could have another 5 free years again, I’d take them.
Its the same story with the Seroquel, I’m ramping off it right now after 8 years. It just kind of stopped working and all of the side effects I had been told to watch for I’d never had until last year. I’d take it again too. But, with both meds, I know I’m in the minority. But, together the two of them helped me finish my BA, get my teaching credential and teach for a few years. I can’t teach now, I can barely leave my house, although through the miracle of the internet I am getting my MA and doing quite well even throughout this horrible med change. (changing to Topomax, Remeron, Abilify).
Your blog made me go “oh my god..” then I see your name is Samantha, also.. and i went “OH MY GOD” . Im glad to see youve picked up the pieces. Right now I’m looking around at my feet and wondering if these peices are even mine.
Oh yeah.. about the “Samantha size dose” of valium .. yeah.. I too had a “Samantha size dose” of all kinds of meds .. I cant believe Im still alive sometimes.
I know! I don’t say I have the resistance of a Rhino for nothing!
the closest i ever came to feeling like i was going to *die* was taking my first Seroquel after having a few vodka and cokes..and whan I say “a few vodka and cokes” i mean.. about a half pint of vodka and an ounce or two of coke.
Madness is Oh.So.Glad. she doesnt drink like an IDIOT anymore.
I never went quite that far, mainly because I don’t drink, rather I can’t drink. I don’t know if I’m allergic to alcohol or what but after two drinks even one sip more will make me vomit, so I’ve never been totally drunk. Everything else? yes. I have two overdoses under my belt – intentional ones. I look back and wonder how on earth I never unintentionally overdosed. I’ve blacked out before. Generally when I’ve played around with Soma (pain pills and muscle relaxers being my recreational drugs of choice). But just slept it off.
I’m glad I don’t swallow 6 vicodin at once anymore! It felt good for a little while, but the vomiting that followed… Well, I was pretty thin for a while.
Oh yes.. vicodin and mucsle relaxers and xanax … what a dreamy trip indeed. I kicked the pill habit on my own.. thankfully. hmmm.. so it is true.. bipolar folks DO tend to self medicate and have raging addictions. who’d have thunk it.
I kicked as well. I do take xanax though because of my paralyzing anxiety. Kinda like dr. sponsored addiction.